Cruise blog: A massage? Pass the wasabi…

Apart from hairdressers and the smelly section in department stores, health and beauty spas are one of the few places that make men feel very uncomfortable. And when I say ‘men’, I think I actually mean ‘me’.

Spas are full of silent ghost-like staff floating around in loose fitting and flappy clothing which for some reason is always white. The white styling of the uniform also extends to their footwear, where normal shoes or trainers are eschewed for strange plastic cloggy things or flip-flops.

Dressing like this gives spas an appearance of a supernatural medical centre, where if I’m not careful, I’ll get pounced upon by these fiendish ghouls who would love nothing more than to cover me in gunky cosmetics, pluck hair from painful places and to flush my rectum out with highly pressurised water.

Cruise blog: Find me some chickpeas Moondust, acupressure might actually work

People who believe that reflexology and acupressure treatments actually work are generally the same sort of people who take advice from horoscopes, visit clairvoyants to transmit messages to the deceased and think that WWE wrestling matches are spur of the moment fights.

They also probably eat a lot of organic chick peas, wear curtains, name their children ‘Moondust’ and attend the Glastonbury Festival without seeing any music performances, apart from the odd nose flute soloist.