Cruise blog: A fiery dilemma.

Sailing on a cruise ship is a very safe way of travelling. Apart from an outbreak of a deadly virus or finding the vessel captained by a hot-headed, show-off Italian, there’s not much that can do anyone a great deal of harm.

True, the on-board entertainment – consisting mainly of tribute artists and bands playing cover versions – did my ears a whole lot of harm, but it wasn’t anywhere near fatal. It nearly was for the entertainment manager who organised this musical pap though, but I managed to calm down when I realised that it was nearly midnight pizza time.

Cruise blog: “Velcro – what a rip off!” *

During the cruise, I learnt many things.

For example, I’m now aware that Scottish school children start their summer holidays weeks ahead of the rest of the UK. I also now know that what little chance there was of me becoming James Bond is now totally non-existent, due to the discovery that a dry martini should only be used to clear drains with and not for assaulting my taste buds.

Most importantly though, I found out that Velcro has a volume.

Cruise blog: A massage? Pass the wasabi…

Apart from hairdressers and the smelly section in department stores, health and beauty spas are one of the few places that make men feel very uncomfortable. And when I say ‘men’, I think I actually mean ‘me’.

Spas are full of silent ghost-like staff floating around in loose fitting and flappy clothing which for some reason is always white. The white styling of the uniform also extends to their footwear, where normal shoes or trainers are eschewed for strange plastic cloggy things or flip-flops.

Dressing like this gives spas an appearance of a supernatural medical centre, where if I’m not careful, I’ll get pounced upon by these fiendish ghouls who would love nothing more than to cover me in gunky cosmetics, pluck hair from painful places and to flush my rectum out with highly pressurised water.

Cruise blog: Find me some chickpeas Moondust, acupressure might actually work

People who believe that reflexology and acupressure treatments actually work are generally the same sort of people who take advice from horoscopes, visit clairvoyants to transmit messages to the deceased and think that WWE wrestling matches are spur of the moment fights.

They also probably eat a lot of organic chick peas, wear curtains, name their children ‘Moondust’ and attend the Glastonbury Festival without seeing any music performances, apart from the odd nose flute soloist.

Cruise blog: The Meaning of Seagulls revealed

There are many unanswered questions in life that have stumped the most intellectual of people.

What is the meaning of life, is there an end to the universe and does God exist are three very good examples. But I have another, far more important question, and it is this: are there any benefits to seagulls?

Throughout history, the greatest thinkers and scientists have been trying to solve this most vexing of conundrums. Aristotle, Sir Isaac Newton, Albert Einstein and Professor Stephen Hawking have all wrestled with this subject without finding a satisfactory conclusion.

Cruise blog: where did all the man-eating hornets go?

Everyone likes going on holiday.

And if you go to work, you’ll like going on holiday even more, as it’s the only time of the year when you get paid for doing something thoroughly enjoyable and worthwhile. Unless you’re a Lord sitting in the Upper House of the Palace of Westminster and claiming a daily allowance from the taxpayer for just turning up and falling asleep, that is. I would enjoy doing that, and it would certainly be worthwhile.

Cruise blog: a lobster infestation

There are quite a few things in life that leave me utterly bewildered. Horse racing, Daniel Craig’s portrayal of James Bond and minced beef are just three things that are completely pointless, yet many other people seem to thoroughly enjoy.

Starbucks, sausage skins, ABBA, Sky TV, Sheffield United, Jonathan Ross – all very popular, but to me, wholly irrelevant; I cannot think of one reason why any of these need to exist.

Cruise blog: The Bay of Biscuits

The Bay of Biscay is an area of the Atlantic Ocean that borders the northern coast of Spain and the western coast of France.

For years, I have thought it to be hilarious to rename The Bay of Biscay into The Bay of Biscuits. Whenever the situation has demanded a mention of The Bay of Biscay in conversations, I have always referred to it with my uproarious alternative – an alternative that I considered wholly my own, having dreamt up the unconventional name years ago for some reason or other that now escapes me.

Cruise blog: the burping grannies

The majority of guest rooms on Ventura come with their very own private balcony, and it is yours to do with as you choose: fall asleep, read a book, sunbathe or just sit in your pants taking in the view – it’s your choice.

Cruise blog: intro

I don’t normally like travelling on boats. Although when I say ‘I’, what I really mean is ‘my head and stomach’ do not like it.

Personally, I have no problem with the idea of traversing vast oceans, lakes or rivers. It’s just that to do it, one has to float on expanses of wetness that unfortunately have the habit of wobbling quite a bit, and which therefore makes me ill.