After recently saving the Church of England from declining into oblivion with an ingenious idea involving clergy and stickers, I thought I might try to solve an even greater problem than increasing Anglican attendances. The challenge I have set myself is to deal with an issue that most people would file in the ‘impossible’ category. The conundrum is this:
How to instigate world peace.
It’s a tough one, I’ll admit. But it’s nothing a bit of contemplation and deliberation can’t solve. And after thinking about it for almost a few minutes, I have come up with another magnificent solution. It is this:
Ice cream.
Yes, that’s right, the tasty and flavoursome chilled dessert. My answer to bringing harmony to every village, town, city and country of the world relies exclusively on ice cream.
Okay, I admit that ice cream might not immediately turn nasty and aggressive people into peace lovers and that all wars and disputes the world over may not instantly evaporate upon the sight of a knickerbocker glory, but ice cream could certainly contribute towards avoiding people becoming shot or blown up.
Here’s the plan:
Apart from Donald Trump, local historians and most Audi drivers, we’re all only human. This means that disagreements will happen between people, countries and civilisations. And unless scientists can devise a way to genetically modify new born babies to have the temperament of Jesus, at some stage in the future, somebody will threaten somebody else with a weapon or firearm.
Usually when this happens, a life is tragically lost. But imagine if that firearm, most probably a gun, that was used to kill that person was modified in some way. Imagine if it was designed to be fired without bullets as its ammunition. Imagine that when that angry person pulled the trigger, instead of the victim losing their life, all they received was a delicious dessert fired at their chops instead.
Imagine guns firing ice cream!
Utilising ice cream weaponry is, of course, far superior to the custard firing splat guns that appeared in the film Bugsy Malone. This is because not everybody likes custard, especially that disgustingly cold wobbly custard that regularly appears on trifles. Threaten me with cold custard and I’ll more than likely do as you say. But intimidate me with ice cream and I’ll go and find the nearest and biggest bowl to catch it in. Or just open my mouth and hope for the best.
And it needn’t stop just with guns. All types of armaments could be converted. And when they are, inter-gang rivalries would culminate in a food fight; fighter jets would swoop low upon enemy territory to deliver a crippling strike of banana-splits; anybody accidentally stepping on a land mine wouldn’t end up without any legs, or worse, but would be covered in a pleasing rainbow shower of sugar strands instead.
This is a concept that works on many, many levels. Humanity would still have weapons to threaten people with, but their victims wouldn’t feel threatened at all – they would be looking forward to filling their stomachs with weapons-grade toffee ripple.
Ice cream manufacturers would see a massive rise in demand for their products, securing jobs for everyone and creating even more positions in the farming and dairy sectors.
The arms trade would be unaffected, as the manufacturing and exporting of pudding-grade armaments would continue in much the same quantities as they do now for deadly weaponry. They would also initially be inundated with orders to convert old style guns into their ice creamed equivalents.
So, to sum up: ice cream is the ultimate ammunition for weapons. Everybody in the world loves ice cream. Even Eskimos flavour the snow and eat it (disclaimer: that might not be true). Consequently, because people would end up enjoying confrontation, the aggressors wouldn’t feel the need to threaten, and thus bring about peace in the world.
It really is as simple as that. It may take a generation or two for all the old weapons to be converted or dismantled. And it may need the cooperation of the entire population of the world, including all governments and politicians.
Sadly though, because most politicians don’t have mates who own ice cream factories or have financial interests in strawberry sauce manufacturers, it may just be easier to inject people with Jesus instead.
Now, does anybody know when the next Nobel Peace Prize is awarded? I’m feeling the need to dust off my suit.
Anthony Phillips 